


Iron Chef Galaxy

by Turn_of_the_Sonic_Screw



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005), Iron Chef RPF
Genre: Cannibalism, Crack Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-22
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-05-02 22:20:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5265884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Turn_of_the_Sonic_Screw/pseuds/Turn_of_the_Sonic_Screw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if the characters from Doctor Who wound up as the major players in a futuristic version of Iron Chef?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Battle Chili Pepper

**Author's Note:**

> Quick primer on Iron Chef: the premise of the show is that the Chairman stages a series of cooking competitions between the Iron Chefs, who are his hand-picked masters of different ethnic culinary traditions, and invited challengers. The competitions are timed to last exactly sixty minutes, and center around a theme ingredient. The results are judged by celebrity guests who award points to the competitors. Throughout, you have commentary and slo-mo replays, like a proper sporting event. Very camp, very fun.

“Welcome back to Kitchen Stadium,” Kate Stewart announces, “where things can get nearly as heated as the field of military intelligence, my last place of employ, especially when the Doctor, our Iron Chef, and the Mistress, those two dueling gourmets of Gallifreyan cooking, take the floor. Osgood, take us in.”

“Yes'm; I'd say the Mistress is doing masterful work with the theme ingredient, but I'm afraid she'll vaporize me. Again. But speaking of vapor, it looks like she's steaming some broccoli to add to that stir-fry, which already has bell peppers, chili peppers, squash, mushrooms, bacon, and that rice-wine mixture from earlier.”

“Thanks, Os;” Kate turns to the celebrity panel. “What are the three of you looking forward to from each of today's competitors?”

“I'm a bit traditional, so I want to see how the Mistress's chili-pepper fish and chips turns out,” begins former-PM Harriet Jones.

“Honestly, the Doctor's chili-pepper and dark-chocolate ice cream looks delicious,” opines Amy Pond, fashion model turned children's author. 

“Everything looks good to me,” declares the Face of Boe, surprising no-one.

“Ms. Stewart!” Osgood chirps.

“Take it away, Osgood!”

“The Doctor's sous chef is putting a roast of pork and some cored pears on to braise after marinating it in a mixture of minced chili peppers, honey, and hard cider.” A slow-motion replay shows the short brunette doing exactly that. “It remains to be seen whether he's going to serve it like that, or if that will be the first step in his preparations.”

“And that takes us to the halfway mark of Battle Chili Pepper,” Kate announces as a computerized voice confirms that there are only thirty minutes remaining.


	2. Battle Human

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Madame Vastra gets a chance to prepare her specialty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As if the chapter title and the tag weren't warning enough, this one has to do with cooking cloned human bits. Nothing graphic but be warned.

“I welcome our newest challenger, the renowned pioneer, the mad scientist of the kitchen: Davros!” announces the Chairman. “When my great-grandfather founded Kitchen Stadium one hundred years ago, he only envisioned human beings as the cooks. Little did he dream of a broad galaxy, filled with different species, each with their own cuisines and delicacies. Certainly, he never dreamed that cloned human meat would become itself a gourmet dish in many sectors of the Galaxy. That is why, on the one-hundredth anniversary of the opening of Kitchen Stadium, we bring you today's theme ingredient: Human!”

Instead of further describing the theme ingredient in her usual rapture, Kate Stewart simply retches into a wastebin as a selection of male and female torsos and limbs is uncovered. Osgood gags and takes a deep pull on her inhaler.

Utterly unconcerned by this, the Chairman turns to the audience. “And now, our Iron Chefs!”

Kate wipes the traces of bile from her lips just in time to announce the three Iron Chefs with her usual gusto. “Iron—or, as some would say, Dalekanium—Chef Skaro, Oswin Oswald!” The sleek brown figure rises on her dais, holding a plum in her plunger, eyestalk looking coldly over the crowd as if daring them to make an eggbeater joke (although she had used her gunstick to whip up more than one souffle). “Iron Chef Silurian, Madame Vastra!” The implacable lizard-woman has her arms crossed over her chest, holding a dagger and a dragonfruit. “Iron Chef Gallifreyan, the Doctor,” Kate concludes as the silver-haired man rises up wearing sunglasses and nonchalantly tossing an apple in one hand. “Who will our challenger select for Battle Human?” Kate asks.

The challenger's single blue eye moves from figure to figure. “Iron Chef Silurian!” he calls, and Vastra's lips part to reveal rows of fangs. 

“Oh, this should be interesting,” Kate announces. “Osgood, take us down to the floor, for a human interest bit.” Christ, she thinks, I am not being paid enough to over-emote this bullshit.

“Yes, I'm down here with Madame Vastra's wife and sous chef, Jenny Flint, who is, herself, a human. Jenny, any thoughts on the upcoming battle?”

“Sounds like Sunday dinner back on Paternoster Row,” Jenny snorts. “I'll manage.”

“There you have it,” Osgood says breathlessly. “Good god, is that a katana?”

“Works better than a cleaver for this kind of butchering,” Jenny says simply. “If you'll excuse me; mustn't keep the missus waiting.”

One hour later...

“And that does it for Battle Human,” Kate concludes. Thank god, she tacks on. “And now, the tasting. The challenger has prepared...one dish?” 

“After extracting the Human Factor for research purposes, I converted the rest of the tissue into nutrient paste: the perfect food for the perfect being,” Davros explains. 

The celebrity panelists look numbly at the gray goop. Jabe, the Cheem diplomat, is used to taking polite samples of foreign cuisine, and stomachs a tiny bite before pronouncing it “virulently tasteless” and washing the taste of it from her mouth. John Lumic refuses to even pick up his spoon, opting instead to give a full set of zeroes.

Kate coughs. “And the Iron Chef!” 

Vastra guides the guests through her four course menu, each dish earning positive reviews. “And finally, the piece de resistance,” she announces, whetting a massive carving knife as Jenny sets a covered silver platter before the judges. “Admittedly, this is a dish I have more experience with raw, and still attached to the rest of the person,” she begins, and Jenny glares at her as she lifts the lid to reveal the loins, buttocks, and thighs of a young woman, carefully roasted. “Enjoy.”


End file.
